October 30, 2009
300 years from now, humankind has turned autumn into an even more festive occasion. Instead of boring reds, yellows, and oranges, we’ve programmed our trees to turn all shades of purple, blue, pink, and indigo. Stripes, polka dots, plaids, and tie-dyes are de rigueur. Leaves include special sponsorship messages, and many even talk right to you. “Hey there, pal, I’m falling for you!” Branches arrange themselves to maximum effect for passersby, plumping up the autumnal topping like someone fluffing up an afro hairdo.
Just one problem, and that’s the artificial intelligence (A.I.) component we added a few years back. Unlike in the old days, today there are actually cases of leaves attacking humans. Cases of trees gobbling up children, much like that tree in the Peanuts comic strip that gobbled up kites. Leaf-gangs sometimes ambush entire families, piling up their bodies and jumping on them the way people once jumped on piles of leaves.
Not to mention the problems we’ve had with A.I. in bedroom-related products, which naturally are the biggest users of A.I. in the world. Smart sex toys of all kinds sounded like the best idea of all time at first, but not for long. Soon enough, it became clear that A.I. did not mix well with the bedroom at all. It’s hard enough pleasing a human partner, let alone pleasing a battery-powered piece of equipment with a mind of its own.
Though the bathroom’s another story, isn’t it? A.I.-enabled toilet seats conform to even the most difficult bottom. A.I.-enriched toilet paper always tears on the perforated seam between sheets, not in the middle of a square. And there’s never a need for anyone to wipe off a soiled seat, thanks to the self-cleaning bathroom apparatus. You don’t even have to tell it to clean up; the A.I. does the thinking for you.
Humanity can’t wait for the next incredible step forward: A.I.-enhanced pets to tell us exactly why they can’t seem to get housetrained or what they really think when they see us naked. I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of information my enquiring mind has got to find out ASAP. Until then, see you soon!
