November 6, 2009
Wilbur Cleats took a page from that Montana girl on the kids’ TV show. Bought himself a long-haired blonde wig and became someone different when he had it on. Without the wig, he was just plain ol’ Wilbur; with the wig, he became Stud Karate. (Pronounced “Kuh-raw-tay.“) Only problem was, neither one of him had what you might call an inviting personality. Stud was much more outgoing than Wilbur, but in a terrible way. He took to groping the private parts of strangers and shooting guns in the air like Yosemite Sam when gunfire was least expected. Plus the uncontrollable flatulence at all the wrong times. That, unfortunately, was unchanged from Wilbur to Stud.
The other thing he couldn’t change was his wandering left eye and his undescended right testicle. He claimed they were healed when he put on the wig and became Stud, but his claims were pure poppycock. Same old Wilbur, only difference was the wig. At least until Lucy Paige-Wheeler Fracas blew into town, leaving a trail of hundred-dollar bills fluttering in her wake.
Lucy, a reality-television producer with an eye for the exploitable, bumped into Wilbur…correction, Stud…at the local Steak ‘n’ Shake. She promptly signed him on for the next season of Human Disaster Areas on the LaughingStock Channel. Problem was, she signed on Stud, not Wilbur…and when Stud changed back into Wilbur, the wig really hit the fan. Wilbur went ballistic, which for him involved some pretty aggressive foot-shuffling and heavy head bobbing. Somewhere in there, a psychotic break took hold, and Wilbur really did separate his personality from Stud.
In fact, out of the need to make himself as different as possible from Stud, Wilbur actually became a serial murderer. He used the wig to kill his victims, then put it on and became Stud for the aftermath; Stud had no knowledge of the crimes and always walked away scot free. Eventually, though, Stud became consumed with the horrible killings and resolved to bring the perpetrator to justice. He started running around with a magnifying glass and a deerstalker hat, trying in his utterly incompetent way to find out who was murdering people…never ever realizing that he himself was responsible. He in his other guise without the wig on, that is.
Finally, it all came to a head on the set of Human Disaster Areas. Wilbur finally got careless and offed Lucy in front of a video camera. When the cops showed Stud the proof, he realized the truth and went off the deep end. He committed alter ego-cide, extinguishing the sparks of his own personality from Wilbur’s brain and all other parts, letting himself disperse in sparkling fairy dust carried off on the warm night wind.
Not that Wilbur was about to give up a good thing like the instant alibis courtesy of his other personality. Carefully, he arranged the blond wig on his head, parting the silky strands like a curtain in the middle. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and wished for another self to come out under the wig’s influence. Another self who could somehow extricate himself from the mess he’d gotten into.
And lo and behold, the miracle happened. When Wilbur opened his eyes again, he looked out at the world from the point of view of the one alternate self no one would dare blame for future serial killings: a lovable sheepdog. Promptly dropping to all fours, he wagged his bottom and barked, certain that someone would unlock his jail cell and let him roam free in the world again. Sure enough, the guard did give him a biscuit and let him out for a game of fetch. After which, the sheepdog shook off the blond wig and became Wilbur once more, just in time to kill the guard and make his shaggy escape.
See you soon!
