November 22, 2010
Though I’ve been online best friends forever with Tillie for years now, we’d never actually exchanged messages or tweets or babbles or even grunts until today. And that was the way we liked it. Talk about a perfect friendship! We never got on each other’s nerves or stepped over the line or had to cold-shoulder each other, since we never communicated in any way. Yet we had the intense satisfaction of knowing we’d claimed each other as bosom buddies. It’s the kind of true, deep warmth you can never experience when communicating openly or (gasp!) face to face with a human being in an honest-to-goodness human relationship.
Then, today, Tillie broke our sweet accord. I was indecently minding my own business, scanning the social networking webs for more brain-deadening blather, when sweet Tillie shot me a quick shout-out! I was tickled pink, purple, and orange. This was the very first time she had ever actually sent me a message of any kind over the social netwebs. Without delay, I double-clicked the message in my e-mail account’s inbox, making it burst onto the screen of my laptop fully realized! My eyes dove to the words, expecting some precious benediction of our uncommunicative BF friendship…perhaps an invitation to play an online game or vote in favor of patriotism.
Imagine my surprise when that single comment leaping out at me consisted of these mystifyingly malevolent words: MY NAME IS NOT TILLIE, I AM RAMASH YAGEROTH A MONSTROUS SUPREMATOR INHABITING A DIMENSION OF RITUALIZED PAIN WORSHIP AND I APPLAUD YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR BECAUSE YOUR PROFILE PIC IS SO EXTRAVAGANTLY HIDEOUS THAT IT HAS PROVEN A MOST RAPTUROUSLY EXCRUCIATING TORTURE TOOL FOR THE BILLION BILLION SUBJECTS OF MY HORRENDOUSLY BEAUTIFULLY HORRENDOUS REALM. THAT PIC THAT GLORIOUSLY AWFUL PIC!
Upon reading this, I realized Tillie might not be who I thought she was. Either that, or she’d just changed her medication. Whatever the situation, whether she was a human female or a twisted extra-dimensional monster-god, I was still quite offended by her/its insinuations regarding my profile pic. Had my image been responsible for the torture of billions upon billions of creatures in another realm? Perhaps I should remove it and consign it to the trash bin for all time.
But ultimately, I decided to leave it up. After all, can you imagine the recognition I’ll be getting in that other dimension, if it exists? There’s no such thing as bad publicity, right? Now if I can just figure out how to get there and what sort of product to market to the populace. Something with my ugly pic pasted all over it, I imagine. So now I’m off to send a message back to dear Tillie, in hopes that she really is Ramash Yaggeroth, because if he/she/it is my personal BFF, I might just be able to turn this social netwebbing into some kind of supreme or semi-supreme being situation for yours truly after all. Just remember that, the next time you get a weird, critical message out of the blue about some aspect of your social netweb account.
