September 7, 2009
The North Pole is laid back this time of year. I was just there over the weekend, checking on my boyhood pal, Joe Kringle, and I had a most mellow visit indeed. It’s actually tolerable up there these days, thanks to global warming. Fewer polar bears, too, so less chance of having a hunk chewed out of your backside. Everybody’s just kicking back and cracking cold ones and telling stories from the old days. Like that dry run during buck season when the magic reindeer got peppered with buckshot. Or when they had to deny a special gift request because Santa doesn’t swing that way.
Things did get ugly at one point, though. Joe and I threw down over an old girlfriend, and of course he kicked my butt. We ended up shaking hands, and he bought the next round, but now I know I’m getting crap for Christmas. When am I gonna learn?
You oughtta see Labor Day at Santa’s Workshop, though. Those unionized elves rule the roost big time. Joe tried outsourcing to Mexico once, and it was a P.R. nightmare. Plus the cartels’ cut wiped out any savings on labor. These days, the biggest headache is the far right, who don’t go in for all those handouts. They’ve got websites calling Joe a socialist, but he claims he’s more of a libertarian. Tax issues continue to haunt him as the I.R.S. wants a slice of all those gift earnings. He’s considering endorsements for his winter tour to cover costs, so his outfit and sleigh will look like NASCAR gear.
But now I’m home, and it’s good to be back. Next stop, Dimension X, where my dual identity hangs out. Either that, or Altoona, where they’ve got an Olive Garden. All depends on where my alien masters decide I’m needed most. All I know for sure is, Joe Kringle’s got something we all could use: job security in a down economy. Now if he can just get his weight under control and head off the sugar diabetes, plus win his upcoming lawsuit over the rights to his likeness. He’s trying for a more positive outlook, which the GPS and iPhone are helping a thousandfold. Black lung issues are another story, though. Too many chimneys, too much soot.
See you soon! And remember, watch this space for Flogs on Mondays and Pot Luck Theaters on Fridays!
