December 24, 2011
Please join me in welcoming today’s guest bloggers! In honor of the holiday season, some of the characters from my books and stories have volunteered to step up and offer season’s greetings to you as only they can. So take it away, guys:
SMIDGEN THE SNACK CAKE, from The Love Quest of Smidgen the Snack Cake: Though I have a supercreamy center instead of a heart, I still send you my love and wish you the best of the holiday season. From my ultrachocolate frosting to my biobaked sentient snack cake matrix, I want only for you to GOBBLE ME UP, THAT’S RIGHT GOBBLE ME UP! I WAS MADE FOR YOU TO DEVOUR ME WITH YOUR LIPS AND TEETH AND BUY MANY MORE SMIDGENS SO MY MANUFACTURER WILL BE HAPPY! WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SERVE YOUR GUESTS SNACK CAKES THIS YEAR?? COME ON AND DO IT JUST DO…
BRAIN FART THE SUPER-HERO (with the up-and-down intellect), from Heroes of Global Warming: Allow me to extend my heartfelt wishes for a most felicitous and extraordinary Christmas holiday, and…duh…Santa? Me want a dolly and…duh…reindeer poop…and, ahem…excuse me. As I was saying, I wish only the best and most delightfully gratifying good cheer to you and yours over this exquisite season of esprit noel, my very good friends! And thus, as perhaps the great Dickens might say ‘pon this hallow-ed occasion…uh…duhhh…..
THE TINIEST MAGGOT, from Diary of a Maggot: I wish you the most wonderful Christmas you can dream of! Listen closely, and perhaps you will hear the secret chirping Christmas song of the merry maggots in the discarded scraps from your holiday feast. Consider it our gift to you, for providing us with delicious homes and goodies to nibble and squirm around in all through the year! Why do you think we come back to visit and zip around your homes to thank you when we turn into flies? Remember, there’s no shame in tossing out some very sweet tidbits for all us tiny creatures who love the spirit of the season as much as all of you!
TOMMY PUKE, from Tommy Puke and the Boy With the Golden Barf: Happy ho-ho’s, everybody, from me and Gertrude the skunk. May this holiday be even ranker and more disgusting than the last. Santa’s a man after my own heart, that tub o’ guts. Every year, he leaves a sloppy freakin’ mess in your living room after wolfing down those cookies and milk. So don’t tell me about how Christmas is all nice and neat and sweet! How does your bathroom look after all the guests leave at the end of the night? Case closed! Let your puke flag fly and be a hog like me! Maybe Rudolf will drop a little somethin’ somethin’ in your stocking to remember him by. Ho ho horrrk!
