September 25, 2009
Somewhere in the Afterworld, Carlos is still spinning. In a way, you could say everything makes him turn over in his grave. This was always his trademark: to spin incessantly, senselessly, recklessly, no matter where he was or what he was doing. Obviously, some activities were more problematic in this regard, like voiding his bladder or evacuating his bowels…but he always managed to find a way somehow. He even kept spinning while asleep, thanks to a hammock-style bed rigged to a motorized contraption. Connubial enterprises were also kept spinning via a similar arrangement.
From the age of 13, Carlos never stopped spinning. According to Ethel Schwab, the Guiness World Records adjudicator who came to be his constant companion, he never once paused or allowed an interruption to break his streak. All this was made possible thanks to his unique inner ear condition, which allowed him to experience a feeling of equilibrium only when he was twirling around. Whenever he slowed in his spinning, he experienced nausea and intense earaches until he speeded up again. But he never let it keep him sitting still.
In fact, Carlos went on to become far more than a freak of nature or circus attraction. He was an accomplished artist, thanks to his extraordinary point of view. He also designed the finest windmills ever built and repaired them without the need for a shutdown. Not to mention his sideline as a religious figure, a whirling dervish prone to outrageous theological and cosmological insights.
What caused him finally to exit this life? An unfortunate incident with a straight shave and an inexperienced barber. If only Carlos could have stopped spinning for a moment, he might have lived…but alas, he bled to death in the barber’s chair. At least he never stopped, though. The chair was kept spinning by Ethel, who also ensured the coroner kept him turning by transporting him on a makeshift barbeque spit kind of thing.
In the end, Carlos was laid to rest in a never-stopping rolling drum apparatus in a special mortuary with triple-redundant power sources. His record in the Guiness Book will be forever intact, if Ethel has anything to say about it. And his children, who each have a different motion-oriented condition (constant jumping up and down, twisting like a pretzel, or scratching private parts) will likewise see to it that Carlos spins on into eternity, in accordance with his wishes and in recognition of their loving remembrance that “Papa was a rolling stone.” Spin it on, Carlos, peace forever and spin it on!
