January 31, 2011
I changed my name today. Five times. First, I started calling myself Milton Thorax. It seemed so much more intellectual…scientific…patronizing. I thought it fit my new personality to a “T.” Wearing bow ties and lab coats had only been the start of this grand new self.
But two hours later, I’d grown bored of Mr. Thorax and decided on a change to Max Force. That one said it all, I thought. It recast me from a bookworm type to a rugged individualist, a powerful man’s man, a figure of masculine magnificence. This one, I felt certain, was fated to stick. But when I switched from lab coats to tank tops and lycra shorts, the drawbacks became evident. Max Force was no more.
Enter Spirit Courageous, a name fit for a bold iconoclast who cares not a whit what the rest of the world thinks of him. It was time to pick up a plumed ink pen, inscribe lyrics on parchment, and sing folk songs in a wispy voice that implied a deep wellspring of emotion at work.
At least, until that emotion turned ugly. Then, it was Scold Catharsis all the way. Out went the plumed pen and flannel shirts. The new name and persona would only work if I wore a button-down dress shirt and crooked tie. Roll up the sleeves and voila: the right man for the job of snapping at fools who drive too slow or tailgate me…make too much noise or ignore me…act rude to the point of obnoxiousness or act so effing polite I can’t stand it.
Finally, that persona, too, wore thin, though. I realized the new names and personalities weren’t doing me justice. Why hide my true self behind a mask and a fake name? Why not let the real me stand loud and proud for all to see, for better or worse, in sickness and health? So that’s what I did for the last part of the day. I changed my name one final time, restoring it to the version that suited me best, the one I’d always held closest to my heart, the one I’d always imagined would be associated with my legacy in lifetimes to come.
Which is why you can call me Meat-Throat Perspirationlick once more, as you’ve always done and always will do from this heartbeat on.
